Friday, April 29, 2011

Fictional Space Organizations That Put NASA to Shame

Watch our pathetic space exploration program get left in the dust as blasts off TV and Movie's Fictional Space Organizations Better Than NASA!
The Stargate Program

Space Invaders: Stargate: SG-1

Giving credit where it's due, The Stargate Program ran itself so efficiently and intriguingly that countless alien invasions from the Ori and the Goa'uld didn't stop viewers from making Stargate one of the longest-running sci-fi series on TV, even if its spinoffs sometimes get unceremoniously flushed sideways.

Space Invaders: Avatar

Posessing vast technology to cross the gulf of space and run a mining operation, RDA's perhaps only fault (minus that whole genocide thing) lies in their inability to realize that they could nuke Jake Sully and his tree-hugging friends from orbit, rather than fend off those pesky critters and spears on the surface itself.
The Green Lantern Corps

Space Invaders: Green Lantern

In any medium, the Green Lantern Corps provides limitless superheroes from countless worlds, and never bows to the will of independent agents with superpowers or the color yellow.

And if Ryan Reynolds can stop cracking wise for five seconds, the movie will glorify our boys in green to their highest heights yet.
The Time Lords

Space Invaders: Doctor Who

Masters of time and space, the ancient but near-extinct race of Time Lords have managed to keep balance in the universe, and still have enough personality to be so charming and witty through each of the Doctor's many incarnations.

You ever talked to an actual astrophysicist? Boring.

The Peacekeepers

Space Invaders: Farscape

More a military force than actual space exploration force, the Peace Keepers managed to hold off the Scarran empire for years with their brutally efficient mercenaries. And even if their practices seem rather harsh and xenophobic, John and Aeryn Sun proved to shining (no pun intended) of the good that the group could bring to the galaxy.

And such awesome coats, too.

The High Guard

Space Invaders: Andromeda

Though not quite up to their former glory, Offshoot of the Systems Commonwealth the High Guard saw Kevin Sorbo to the helm of the Andromeda Ascendant, and consisted of both the Argosy and Lancer Corps.

And as even the Verdrans would agree, any organization that puts Hercules in charge clearly knew what they were doing.

Earth Alliance

Space Invaders: Babylon 5

Formed in th aftermath of World War III to replace that puny United Nations, Earth Alliance saw unprecedented growth after bartering for more advanced technology with the Centauri, and established residence in several new star systems.

Of course, being unable to decide whether it was fascist or democratic given its multiple Civil Wars was another thing, but John Sheridan conquers all

Billy Bob Thornton

Space Invaders: The Astronaut Farmer

Billy Bob Thornton doesn't need no stinking NASA. Rejected from the space program, Astronaut Charles Farmer (it's a pun!) takes to building his own rocket out of spare parts, and successfully orbits the globe nine-times without any of that pesky red tape.

Few people knew that this was based on the true-story of the actor's own mind-bogglingly meteoric rise to prominence.

Buy 'N' Large

Space Invaders: Wall-E

Okay, so they may have trashed the planet after purchasing just about every business on the planet, including the United States government, but they did give us adorable little clean-up robots!

And keep the human race in relative comfort and pampering until the planet supports life again. Directive! Squeal.

Jupiter Mining Company

Space Invaders: Red Dwarf

Three million years have passed since the advent of the Human race, but the Jupiter Mining Company constructed its vehicles so efficiently that AI Holly managed to keep Lister alive in suspended animation all that time, even harboring a race of cats! If only my Honda was so thoughtful.
The Alliance

Space Invaders: Firefly

Oh, sure, the Alliance were d*cks to be certain. And any enemy of Nathan Fillion is an enemy of ours. But for all their oppressive interference and planet-wide experimentations creating Reavers, the Alliance did a bang-up job of uniting the system under one banner and fastidiously maintaining such tightly pressed grey uniforms.

And as far as Civil War allegories go, we're a little uncomfortable rooting for an anagram of the South...

Space Invaders: Spaceballs

Their air comes from a can. Their starships cruise at Plaid speeds, and transform into gigantic maids. And Lord, do they brand everything. So why root for the bad guys, clad in such well-designed uniforms? Evil will always triumph over good, because good is dumb.
Rylan Star League

Space Invaders: The Last Starfighter

NASA's astronauts undergo years of training, both physical and mental, and undergo grueling testing before they're even allowed to so much as look at a space shuttle.

The Rylan Star League only requires that you play video games as training. Who's the real winner, here?
United Citizen Federation

Space Invaders: Starship Troopers

Originally called the Terran Federation in the book, Paul Verhoeven's more militaristic and satirical vision of the Federation not only eradicates other species with a take-no-prisoners-blow-sh*t-up attitude, but also promotes co-ed showering and allows Neil Patrick Harris to a high position of power.

And that is the way all things should be


Space Invaders: Alien

Ripley bless the Weyland-Yutani corporation. They just don't care. No matter how many misisons they send, no matter how many crews end up eviscerated with Xenomorphs bursting from their chest, this corporation is more than happy to give it another go. In space, no one can hear the bottom line.

The Galactic Empire

Space Invaders: Star Wars

We tip our hats to the Empire for successfully hoodwinking the galaxy into allowing an obvious nutjob to rule with an iron fist under the promise of a safe and secure society (COUGH, parable).

Though, in all fairness, we do have to detract a few points for overusing the construction principle of "shoot here to blow up the whole damn thing, no questions asked."
The Robinsons

Space Invaders: Lost in Space

Even if the Earth space organization that launched the Robinsons into space was thwarted by the Global Sedition and its entire program nearly derailed, these folk were launching deep-space exploration missions to other worlds by 1997.

Way to keep up, science

The Colonial Fleet

Space Invaders: Battlestar Galactica

These scrappy underdogs represented all that was left of the twelve colonies, but still managed to hold together (mostly) over four seasons. What's a diminishing population or a few exploded starships here and there.

Still, the Colonials of Galactica get points for introducing real problems into starship living, namely sources of water, fuel, and fatigue stress.
The Discovery One

Space Invaders: 2001: A Space Odyssey

Stanley Kubrick's vision of the future was surpisingly accurate, predicting everything from which corporations would survive into the new millenium, to the advent of flat-screen monitors!

Except that by 2011, our NASA has yet to get on real commercial space-flights or moon colonization. Hell, we'd even take murderous AI if it meant a faster internet connection.


Space Invaders: Star Trek

The noblest of the noble, Starfleet might not always be the most popular space organization in the galaxy, but certainly one of the more memorable.

More and more species become fascinated with the indellible quality of the human spirit, and even through some rocky starts in Star Trek: Enterprise, we always aspire to the greatness of the Picards, or Kirks bringing adventure (and libido) to the galaxy beyond.
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